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Late Night Humor Thurs
The Tonight
Show with Jay Leno
There was a big
meeting this week between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President
Dick Cheney. Or as they are calling it, “plugged hair meets plugged
arteries.”
I prefer to call
them “foot-in-mouth meets shot-in-face.”
Speaker of the House
Nancy Pelosi has called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She
said it was an absolute emergency. But since it was Nancy Pelosi, no one
could tell from her facial expression that it was an emergency.
The National
Enquirer says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the
election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage . . . yelling and screaming and
throwing things. But see, that’s the National Enquirer. Are you going to
believe them? These are the same people who said a year ago that John
Edwards was having an affair.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten
Highlights Of The Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting
10. Cheney barred
the door and yelled, “You’ll never take me alive”
9. It was three hours of Guitar Hero
8. Biden gave Cheney the number for his hair-plug guy
7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart
attack
6. Lynne Cheney blinking out in Morse code “Help me. Help me. Help
me.”
5. Cheney had to leave early to get Bush’s head unstuck from a microwave
oven
4. Had a heart attack during a heart attack
3. They agreed the “Late Show Fun Facts” book may just be the
thing to bring this country together
2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney’s pacemaker got HBO
1. Upon seeing Biden, Cheney muttered, “I was hoping for the Alaskan
broad”
Late Show with
David Letterman
Sarah Palin might
make a guest appearance on “Desperate Housewives.” When John
McCain heard this, he said, “I’d like to be on ‘Bonanza.’”
Sarah Palin says she
wants to be bipartisan; she would like to help Barack Obama. And I thought,
Hasn’t she helped him already?
Obama is organizing
his Cabinet. This is a high-pressure time for him. Meanwhile, John McCain
is at an Applebee’s blowing on his soup.
Barack Obama has
named Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff and he is bringing in Madeleine
Albright to be part of his transition team. It looks like Obama is bringing
back all of our favorites from the Clinton administration. Except for that
heavy-set intern.
Late Night with
Conan O’Brien
Earlier today,
President Bush was in New York and he gave a speech about the financial
crisis and other problems facing the country. The speech was called
“So Long Suckers.”
In Washington, D.C.
today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden a tour of the vice president’s living
quarters. Afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he’ll probably
turn the dungeon back into a rec room.
The Republican Party
is considering choosing an African-American Republican to be their party’s
chairman. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job.
American Express is
in financial trouble and reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the
government. Unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes
Visa and Diner’s Club.
The Late Late
Show with Craig Ferguson
People in L.A. have
been participating in an earthquake drill. Authorities are saying the drill
has been a huge success apparently people in L.A. are used to things being
fake.
Barbara Walters is
doing a special on the man who got pregnant. If you get a sex-change
operation then find yourself pregnant, you may want to ask yourself how
good the doctor was.
All I’m saying is,
if you get a sex-change operation, hang onto the receipt.
Sarah Palin
did another interview. This time on the “Today” show. She’s been
on NBC, Fox News, local news, magazines . . . she’s talking so much they
can hear her from Russia.
The economy
is terrible. The Sharper Image went bankrupt. Who would have thought that a
place that sells useless garbage would go bankrupt!
Linens ‘n
Things went bankrupt, too. I think I saw that coming, though, because they
didn’t care . . . besides linens, they didn’t care what they sold. Linens .
. . and things.
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Today’s Papers
Money
Makes the World Go ‘Round
The New York Times and the Washington Post both lead with stories about this weekend’s meeting of the Group of 20
in Washington to discuss the global financial crisis, while the Los
Angeles Times stuffs the news. World leaders from 20 countries drew up plans to begin the process of regulating
financial activity conducted across national borders, but they postponed
many of the more difficult decisions until their next meeting, scheduled
for April 2009. The LAT
leads with the latest on the wildfires sweeping across
Southern California. Over 30,000 people have fled and hundreds of homes
have been burned.
At the
economic summit in Washington, members of the Group of 20, plus Spain, the
Netherlands, the United Nations, and other international organizations,
gave a greater role in the planning process to developing nations such as
China, India, and Brazil. Europeans walked away happy, according to
gloating French President Nicolas Sarkozy, and President George W. Bush
adopted a far less stringent defense of free markets than he held when he
announced the summit in October. Some of the measures to which
the group agreed include the establishment of a “college of
supervisors” to oversee the activity of financial institutions that
operate internationally, closer scrutiny of hedge funds, and more frequent
and diligent reviews of countries’ financial systems by the International
Monetary Fund.
The NYT
downplays the summit’s conclusions with a quote from an
MIT economist who claims that these were “plain-vanilla” measures
that could have been accomplished without a summit, and the only
significance of the event was that it was attended by the developing
nations included in the G-20 instead of just the larger powers of the Group
of 8 nations. President-elect Barack Obama, who both papers agree will face
more difficult decisions at the spring summit, was not present this weekend
but did send two senior advisers in his place. The LAT goes inside
with a story on Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, who took
the opportunity at the summit to say that he hopes for improved relations
between his country and the U.S. under the Obama administration.
In
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger proclaimed a state of emergency
yesterday in Los Angeles and Orange Counties, adding to his earlier
proclamation for Santa Barbara County. Fires yesterday tore through a
mobile home park in Sylmar, where 500 homes were destroyed, in a blaze that
a local fire chief described as the worst he’d seen in the city in three
decades on the job. Flames struck downtown L.A., as well, where the
temperature reached a record hot and dry 93 degrees. Several highways in
the area have been shut down, throwing a wrench in the evacuation plans of
many.
Calls for
reform abound in another front-page story in the LAT that laments the
present failure of 401(k) plans to guarantee financial security for
Americans’ retirement years. Committee meetings in the House of
Representatives and other research groups have entertained suggestions from
experts that include returning to a system that guarantees a pensioner’s
benefits instead of just the employer’s contribution, as well as a proposal
to offer government-backed retirement savings accounts that would yield a
fixed return, provided for by the elimination of tax breaks that
participants in 401(k) plans currently receive. To date this year, the
average employee’s 401(k) balance has dropped by 21 to 27 percent.
A
front-page NYT story kicks off a series examining the role natural
resources play in inciting conflict in Africa. Over an expanse of column
inches not often granted to such topics, the article considers the value of
the tin ore that the Congolese unearth through the exploitation of the
poor. Inside the A section, the LAT includes news that the U.N. has sent in an official to
facilitate talks between Congo’s president and the rebel leader responsible
for clashes with soldiers in the eastern part of the country.
On a more
trivial note, the NYT also fronts a story that wonders if Obama will be the first e-mailing
President. While the President-elect hopes to be the first to have a laptop
in the Oval Office, he may have to surrender his Blackberry and give up
e-mail, as President Bush did, because of security risks and laws that
allow presidential correspondence to become public information.
The WP reports that Iraq’s prime minister and its top Shiite
cleric will support an agreement to keep U.S. forces in Iraq through 2011,
when the measure goes before the Iraqi parliament. The article predicts
that this will greatly aid in the agreement’s passing. The NYT,
however, takes a less sanguine view of the pact’s chances for success, pointing out that the most prominent Shiite bloc did
not attend yesterday’s meeting with top Iraqi politicians, held to gauge
support for the plan.
The WP goes
inside with a feature that draws parallels between the Great
Depression and today’s economic climate. Maryland residents who grew up in
the 1930s share their tales of scrimping, saving, and going without
luxuries. The interviewees wag their fingers at grandchildren who are too
quick to pull out the credit card, but also remind the younger generations
that even the Great Depression came to an end.
Also in
the WP, Chris Cillizza breaks down five post-election myths. Mostly, Cillizza takes a
contrarian’s perspective, claiming this election did not signal the death
knell for the Republican party and choosing Sarah Palin was not necessarily
a mistake. However, he also points to pre-election predictions that fell
flat (namely, black voters and the young were not the crucial factor in
Obama’s victory).
In the WP
Magazine, though, faux-news takes top prize in a feature on The
Onion. The piece goes inside the production of the satirical
weekly newspaper, where stories are invented to fit the headlines.
A story in the NYT Style Section buzzes about
possible schools the Obama daughters might attend in Washington, a topic
about which D.C. parents have been speculating since November 5, as Hanna Rosin noted on “XX Factor.” Will they
choose a place like Sidwell Friends, the elite private school attended by
Chelsea Clinton? Or could the Obamas shock the region’s parents by
enrolling their daughters in public school, as former President Jimmy
Carter did with his daughter? Washington’s “power parents” are
holding their breath in anticipation.
Change.gov:
The Economist and Time on Obama’s transition.
The Economist,
Nov. 15
The cover story downplays the significance of the upcoming
G-20 summit: “[G]lobal finance will not be remade in a five-hour
powwow hosted by a lame-duck president after less preparation than many
corporate board meetings.” International finance is a “tug-of-war”
between global markets and national sovereigntyit cannot simply be
“fixed.” The leaders have a chance to make progress, “but
only if they temper their hyperbole with realism and humility.” An article calls Obama’s transition “the most
difficult in living memory” and urges him to “translate his vague
philosophy of ‘hope’ and ‘change’ into governance.” Obama’s transition
team is guided by Reagan’s, which “hit the ground running” and
worked closely with a policy think tank. President Bush is also trying to
ensure that the transition moves fluidly, requiring even low-level staff to
draw up detailed briefings and giving Obama unusual access to various
departments.
Time, Nov. 24
The cover story surveys Obama’s transition, reporting that
it already occupies 120,000 square feet of office space in Washington. The
president-elect has announced staff picks relatively early and plans to
choose his Cabinet by the end of the month. Obama is doing his best to
avoid a repeat of Bill Clinton’s “chaotic” 1992 transition that
left him ill-prepared for his first term. A column scolds journalists who have heralded Obama as
“a messiah who can give black people some manners, a God-child
descending from the heavens to teacheth benighted African Americans the
virtues of books and proper English and the evils of Pacman Jones and
blaming the white man.” Obama is a president, not a moral reformer,
and statistics show that blacks are already helping themselves: Oprah and Bill
Cosby are among their most respected figures, and 60 percent of young
African-Americans find rap music’s depiction of women offensive.
New
York Times Magazine, Nov. 16
The
cover package features a series of interviews with outgoing Secretary of
State Condoleezza Rice, footnoted and “amplified” by other Bush
administration figures. Rice thinks that electing a black president
“says around the world that you can overcome old wounds.” And
she’s convinced that the administration she worked under has set the stage
for positive change around the world. In a brief interview, Karl Rove says
he’s never been booed off stages, as was widely reported. “I’ve been
booed on stages,” he says. “I’m a little bit tougher than
to walk off a stage because someone says something ugly.” An article
takes a bird’s-eye view of the movement that led Obama to victory,
summarizing the moments and turning points that created a climate of
“change.” One such moment came in Iowa, when Obama told his staff
he would “hold their hand,” effectively turning their
apprehension into triumph.
Mother
Jones, November/December
An article by Al Gore challenges the United States to
transition to exclusively American-made electricity in 10 years. While it
would require sacrifice on the part of every citizen, a dramatic reduction
in the cost of alternative energy sources has placed self-sufficiency well
within reach. With the right technology, there’s enough wind, solar, and
dam energy to power the entire world. An article totals the costs of the Bush years, calculating
both actual spending (Iraq) and lost opportunities (salaries that fallen
soldiers didn’t earn). All said, “the gap between what we could have
produced and what we did produce will easily exceed $1.5 trillion.”
Republicans “simply trusted in supply-side economicsbelieving that,
somehow, the economy would grow so much better with lower taxes that
deficits would be ephemeral.” That’s a fantasy, and the only way to
dig ourselves out of the hole is to cut spending or raise taxes.
Harper’s, December
A
front-of-book essay examines the historical relationship between
masquerading (think Boston Tea Party) and politics, noting how often
political debates are filled with participants adopting imaginary personas.
Why do people mask their shared humanity in textbook partisan biographies?
“The partisan badge, the counterculture face paint, creates the
illusion of membership in something less dull and burdensome than the whole
human race.” An article lays out a blueprint for prosecuting the
“outlaw” Bush administration, arguing that “simply ‘moving
on’ is not possible.” But a president who committed “war
crimes” is an unusual legal situation: It’s hard to know whether he
should be tried before an international criminal tribunal, a foreign court,
or in U.S. military courts. The fourth and best option would be a
“commission of inquiry”a slow, deliberate process that would
gradually build public consensus. But it would only be a first step, to be
followed by formal prosecution.
Must Read
P.J.
O’Rourke’s acerbic essay in the Weekly Standard is the most amusing
and unconventional “death of conservatism” analysis you’ll find
this week.
Best
Politics Piece
A Time
column on African-Americans’ motivation to improve
themselves without a “messiah” is a refreshing antidote to
hyperbole.
Best
Culture Piece
A profile
of Malcolm Gladwell in New York is both a window into an intriguing
writer’s mind and a study of journalistic celebrity.
Must Skip
New
York’s
cover story
is a mass of high-flying, post-election feel-good-isms. Save it for future
generations, but you’ve heard all this elsewhere lately.
Copycat
Award
Articles
on Obama’s transition in Time and the Economist include paragraphs that sayall but
word-for-wordexactly the same things about Obama avoiding Clinton’s
mistakes by using his transition to hit the ground running.
Late
Night Humor Tue
The
Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President
Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday at the White House.
And they found that with all their differences, they have one thing in
common: Neither trusts the Clintons.
Barney, the
White House dog, bit a reporter last Friday. And today, Rahm Emanuel bit
Barney.
There’s a
new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up being secretary of state. Which
means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the
world. To which Bill said, “Yes!”
In the
Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee
chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, who is 84.
Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there.
Late Show
with David Letterman
On Veterans
Day, John McCain laid a wreath at the “Tomb of the Unknown
Plumber.”
McCain is
back to his full-time job: yelling at people who park in front of his
house.
Sarah Palin
was on the “Today” show cooking. Don’t kid yourself she’s a great
chef. She reads all the cookbooks.
Palin is
saying it’s the media to blame for Republicans losing the election. Well,
yeah it’s their fault she entered beauty contests instead of a library.
Late
Night with Conan O’Brien
It was
reported today that President Bush is mad that Barack Obama leaked details
of Obama’s White House visit. The president said, “What happens in the
‘couch fort,’ stays in the couch fort.”
It was also
reported that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House
with them. This is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto
powers.
One of the
Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a
hairless puppy. The children have already named the puppy James Carville.
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Late Night Humor Wed
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
After the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife
on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Today, Bill
Clinton, John Edwards, and Eliot Spitzer called him a “new kind of
Democrat . . . a pioneer.”
There are reports that Barack Obama is going to close
Guantanamo Bay. He also wants to close all Cracker Barrel restaurants.
When they move into the White House, Barack Obama will be
getting a dog for his daughters. He was very clear on its care. He said,
“You’re going to have to feed it; you’re going to have to give it
water; and you’re going to have to clean up after it. Do you understand that?”
And Joe Biden said “Yeah, yeah.”
The election for senator in Minnesota is taking an odd
turn. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are
showing up in the trunks of people’s cars, and in all kinds of odd places.
And everyone is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word
that means Florida.
Late Show with David Letterman
I am sick of the economy, and now, American Express is
asking the government for $3.5 billion. Here’s the weird part: They’ll only
have to make monthly payments of $24.
The post office is also affected. They may lay off 4,000
workers. Unless those layoff notices get lost in the mail.
Egyptian archeologists have discovered a 4,300-year-old
pyramid. Yet another house John McCain forgot about.
Barack Obama may be living in the White House with his
mother in law. He may want to rethink closing Guantanamo.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Obama is preparing to move his whole family to
Washington. Barack and Michelle are looking for a church in Washington. They’re
probably asking every prospective pastor the same question, “Have you
ever been videotaped screaming, ‘God d*** America!’?”
Some political analysts say that the ’80s sitcom
“The Cosby Show” helped Obama get elected by portraying a black
family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10
years ago, if it weren’t for Flavor Flav.
Producers in Hollywood say that America is now ready for
a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. America may even be ready for
a black Michael Jackson.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The transition continues in Washington. Vice President
Dick Cheney is meeting with Vice President-elect Joe Biden tomorrow. Cheney
will give him a tour . . . hand over the keys to the dungeon, that sort of
thing.
The country of Peru wants to give Barack Obama a hairless
dog for the White House. Didn’t Obama just spend months trying to keep a
little bald guy out of the White House?
President Bush said today that he regrets the infamous
“Mission Accomplished” banner. He said if he were to do it over
again, the banner would say, “Git ‘er Done.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Many people believe that the election of Barack Obama has
brought this country together like never before. They say the red states
and the blue states are finally merged to form one big purple blob.
In only 69 days or so, Barack Obama becomes our 44th
president. It’s going to be exciting, but weird not having Dick Cheney in
charge.
Barack Obama’s mother is planning to move to Washington
with the first family; she might even move into the White house with them
which sounds like a sitcom. Joe Biden could play the kooky neighbor that
they talk to over the fence.
“Obama’s House” could be the name of it.
Barack Obama
and his wife visited the president and Mrs. Bush at the White House. Obama
has been very critical of the president; fortunately, the president cannot
read, so he didn’t know about it.
Obama said
his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial
under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline.
Matt Lauer talked to Sarah Palin on the “Today”
show. He got a glimpse of Palin at work in her kitchen. She was cooking a
moose. It was Bullwinkle day at the Palin house. For lunch, they had a
flying squirrel.
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