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Late Night Humor
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The latest rumor is
that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to
Hillary Clinton. That’s kind of sad considering how close
Hillary came to being the first female president. Imagine after
that . . . her next job offer? Secretary.
Hillary Clinton might
make a very good secretary of state — she can cackle in seven
different languages.
Today in Chicago, for
the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with
President-elect Barack Obama. Obama agreed to sit down and talk
to McCain without any preconditions.
Barack Obama’s
mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them.
Joe Biden was right — hostile forces will test Obama in the
first few months.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Good Things About Being Named James Bond
10. “I’ve made a
fortune selling autographed crap on eBay”
9. “I have amazing gadgets, like a clock that’s also a radio”
8. “Lots of admiring looks when they call my table at T.G.I.
Friday’s”
7. “At the movie theater, I get a free squirt of chemical
butter”
6. “Once, I received a $5,000 residual check that should have
gone to Pierce Brosnan”
5. “Calling my boss ‘M’ instead of Mr. Glickstein”
4. “When my brother says, ‘Bond, Fred Bond,’ he just looks like
a jerk”
3. “Always gets a laugh when I order my Jamba Juice ’shaken, not
stirred’”
2. “Halle Berry once accidentally slept with me”
1. “President Bush keeps calling me about capturing bin Laden”
Late Show with David Letterman
They’re saying Hillary
Clinton may be secretary of state. If she takes that job, it
means she’ll be spending a lot of time away from home. Today,
she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers.
Then she bought an
electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.
Sen. McCain and
President-elect Barack Obama got together for a visit. Obama
thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick.
Then Obama said to
McCain, “Hey I’m catching up to you — I just got a second home.”
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Last night on “60
Minutes,” Barack Obama said that since he won the election he
has slept in his own bed every night. After hearing this, Bill
Clinton said, “Man, this guy has a lot to learn.”
Earlier today in
Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting
with his former opponent John McCain. Obama congratulated McCain
on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on
being “a stupid jerkface.”
Henry Kissinger says
if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of
state, it will be a sign of “great courage” on his part. Then
Kissinger said, “Seriously Barack, protect your nuts.”
Obama says that he’s
taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters because he’s
looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair. Which is the exact
same reason he picked Joe Biden.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
According to literary
agents in New York, Sarah Palin is about to sign a $7 million
book deal. They didn’t say she was going to write one or read
one, but she’s going to sign it.
She’s not ruling out
running for the Senate in 2010. She’s already formed an
exploratory committee to explain to her what the Senate is.
The fire in California
has threatened Oprah’s house. Don’t worry — she turned on her
force field and the fire went away, ashamed of itself.
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Today’s Papers
By Daniel Politi
Posted Wednesday,
Nov. 19, 2008, at 6:51 AM ET
The
Los Angeles Times and
Washington Post lead with the chief
executives of Detroit’s Big Three begging lawmakers for
taxpayer-funded aid to
prevent a possible collapse. But senators were less than
receptive to their plight and it looks increasingly unlikely
that the automakers will get a bailout from Washington
anytime soon. Even senators who are generally supportive of
the industry weren’t shy about criticizing the companies. “Their
discomfort in coming to the Congress with hat in hand is only
exceeded by the fact that they are seeking treatment for wounds
that are to a large extent self-inflicted,” Sen. Christoper Dodd
said. “No one can say they didn’t see this coming.”
The
New York Times leads with news that Alaska
Sen. Ted Stevens
lost his re-election bid to Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich. It
was certainly close, but Begich leads with more than 3,700 votes
with approximately 2,500 still outstanding, which is beyond the
margin of victory that would allow Stevens to call for a
state-funded recount. The victory gives Democrats 58 seats in
the Senate, with two races still undecided. The
Wall Street Journal
leads with the lashing that Treasury Secretary Henry
Paulson, and, to a lesser extent Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke,
received at a hearing
before the House Financial Services Committee. Paulson said
he wants to keep the rest of the bailout money for emergencies
and allow the Obama administration to decide how best to use the
funds. But lawmakers criticized Paulson for his unwillingness to
devote some of the bailout money to aid homeowners at risk of
foreclosure.
USA Todayy leads with AAA’s annual
Thanksgiving survey that found that while many Americans are
changing their holiday travel plans, they’re still, for the most
part, making the trips. The total number of people who plan to
travel for Thanksgiving is a bit less than last year’s record,
which marks the first drop since 2002.
The leaders of General Motors,
Ford, and Chrysler blamed the current downturn in the global
economy for much of their woes and warned lawmakers that if one
of the companies were to collapse it would have
catastrophic consequences for the country. The leaders of GM
and Chrysler both said that they’re at risk of running out of
money soon without more federal assistance. While senators, for
the most part, said they recognize the industry’s importance
they also were quick to emphasize they’re not convinced giving
the companies another $25 billion would be enough to keep the
companies out of trouble for very long. When the executives were
asked whether they’d be willing to cut their own salaries to $1
a year, they all said yes. Still, that was hardly enough to
satisfy skeptical lawmakers who heaped criticism on the Big
Three.
In the
WP’s op-ed page,
George WillNYT
notes in its business pages,
bankruptcy protection isn’t what it used to be. Whereas
bankruptcy protection “always offered a glimmer of hope” that a
company could reorganize and continue operating, that is
increasingly unrealistic in the current climate. Companies are
now avoiding bankruptcy protection like the plague because they
know that bankruptcy equals liquidation if they can’t get
credit, and, needless to say, loans are pretty hard to come by
these days. One possible compromise would be for the government
to offer loans to a bankrupt company, which would benefit
taxpayers since they would be the first to be repaid.
That is precisely the solution
that
Mitt Romney
NYT. Romney says
that while the “American auto industry is vital to our national
interest,” bailing out the Big Three would “virtually guarantee”
their demise. Instead, a “managed bankruptcy may be the only
path to the fundamental restructuring the industry needs.” The
government should guarantee financing for the bankrupt companies
and make sure that consumers know their warranties aren’t at
risk. When Republican Sen. Bob Corker brought up the
idea of bankruptcy with government backing, GM’s chairman
dismissed it as “pure fantasy” noting that such an action “would
ripple across this economy like a tsunami we haven’t seen. It
seems to me like a huge roll of the dice.”
Begich’s victory not only
effectively ends the career of the longest-serving Republican
senator but also brings Democrats one step closer to reaching
the 60 seats necessary to obtain a filibuster-proof
majorityy. Yesterday, Democratic lawmakers kept the dream of
reaching that magic number alive by overwhelmingly voting to
allow Sen. Joseph Lieberman to keep his committee chairmanship.
“This was done in a spirit of reconciliation,”
Lieberman said.
NYT,
LAT, and
WP all front word
that Eric Holder currently appears to be the top choice to
become the next U.S. attorney general, although
no final decision has been made. Obama’s advisers continue
the vetting process but plan to officially offer him the job if
he gets enough
support from Republican lawmakers. Holder, a senior official
at the Justice Department under President Clinton, would be the
first African American attorney general. The biggest sticking
point in his nomination is that Republicans are certain to bring
up that as deputy attorney general he failed to oppose Clinton’s
pardon of fugitive financier Marc Rich. But few think that will
prevent his confirmation.
The
WSJ fronts word
that former President Bill Clinton is prepared to make
concessions on his activities in order to help his wife get the
position of
secretary of state in Obama’s administration. Not only would
he stop being involved in his foundation’s daily activities, the
former president has also said he would be willing to disclose
the names of all new donors and seek clearance from both the
White House counsel and the State Department’s ethics chief
before accepting any money or paid speaking engagements. In
addition, he has agreed to publicly disclose “major” past
contributors, although no one has been able to define what
“major” means.
Despite all these concessions,
it’s still not clear that the former first lady
even wants the job, note the
WSJ and
NYT. Although she
was apparently enthusiastic about the prospect when Obama first
brought it up, she’s now wondering whether she wouldn’t rather
stay in the Senate. She’s apparently reluctant to give up the
independence that comes with being a senator in order to become
a subordinate to a former rival. Of course, this could all be
part of a bargaining tactic. But the
NYT also notes that
if she becomes secretary of state it would be much more
difficult for her to get rid of the
$7.6 million debt that she has left over from her
presidential campaign.
Whether she wants it or not,
there are plenty of opinions on whether she should get the job.
The NYT’s
Thomas Friedman says that too much attention has been paid
to the former president’s role and activities, when the really
important question is what kind of relationship Clinton would
have with Obama. Having the full backing of the president “is
the most
important requirement for a secretary of state to be effective,”
notes Friedman, who admits that he’s not sure whether Obama and
Clinton can have that kind of relationship with everything that
went on between them during the primaries. For his part, the
WP’s
David Broder is certainly more direct and says that
appointing Clinton “would be a mistake.” Although she’s
qualified, the position wouldn’t be “the best use of her
talents” and isn’t what Obama needs. Plus, carrying her
husband’s baggage would make the job that much more difficult.
“If Clinton can be of service to Obama in Foggy Bottom, she can
be of even greater value as an ally on Capitol Hill,” writes
Broder. Meanwhile, the NYT’s
Maureen Dowd for some reason finds it relevant to ask David
Geffen what he thinks. Yes, Geffen made a bit of a splash when
he badmouthed the Clintons in the heat of the primary battle,
and no one doubts his fundraising prowess, but does anyone care
what he thinks? In case you do, Geffen likes the idea of the
former first lady running the State Department. Clinton and
Obama must be breathing a huge sigh of relief.
other magazines:
The Redprint: Newsweek’s
Karl Rove prescribes a Republican comeback plan.
Newsweek, Nov. 24
Karl
Rove
offers a 10-point plan for the Republican Party, stressing
the importance of adapting the GOP’s core values for the new
era. “The party should embrace both tradition and reform;
grass-roots Republicans want to apply timeless conservative
principles to the new circumstances facing America.” The party
must make inroads among young people by promoting a “green”
agenda and should focus on retaking Congress in 2010.
… The cover story
likens Barack Obama to Abraham Lincoln, which the 44th
president himself did in the
pages of Time
in 2005. Both men are known for their humility, strong rhetoric,
and taking the helm during a pivotal historical moment.
… The lame-duck Bush administration is being flooded with
pardon requests, but those hoping for one are likely to be
disappointed as Bush has granted fewer pardons than any modern
president.
Weekly Standard, Nov. 24
The
cover story examines the Chinese government’s alleged
practice of harvesting the organs of imprisoned dissidents
to sell on the black market. Because the initial claims were
made by members of the Falun Gong, they have gone unheard
for years. “For various reasons, some valid, some shameful,
the credibility of persecuted refugees has often been
doubted in the West.” …
Fred Barnes
thinks President Obama will breathe new life into the
GOP simply by enacting his liberal policy agenda. “Starting
now, the person with the biggest role in shaping what
Republicans and conservatives say and do is President Barack
Obama.” … An article
drops in on the Republican Governor’s Association
convention in Miami, picking the brains of the party’s
rising stars about Bush’s legacy. Only Gov. Jon Huntsman of
Utah confronts Bush’s job performance, saying he was not a
fan.
Big Three Breakdown in DC
Today’s Business Press
Just
$25 billion more dollars (okay, maybe a bit more) in cheap
government loans, that’s all The Big 3 automakers need to retool
and avoid collapse, the CEOs of
Ford, General Motors and Chrysler pitched to Congress on
Tuesday. “From the response they got, it will be a tough sell,”
BusinessWeek reckons. The New
York Times concurs, writing “after four hours of
testimony, it appeared they had not persuaded enough lawmakers
to move quickly on a bailout.” The Democratic leadership, the
newspaper adds, has not succeeded in mustering enough support to
tap the $700 billion bailout fund to rescue the troubled
carmakers. It’s just as well, opines
The Wall Street Journal,
contending “the money is a tool of Congressional industrial
policy to
turn GM, Ford and Chrysler into agents of the Sierra Club
and other green lobbies.” The
WSJ’s suggestion? For
starters, ease “onerous” fleet mileage standards that “force the
companies to make cars domestically that are unprofitable.”
This, the newspaper concludes, would probably save Chrysler from
bankruptcy.
Meanwhile, auto bailout fever is spreading abroad. Foreign
automakers are watching the proceedings in Washington with great
interest, pressuring lawmakers back home that if Detroit gets a
bailout, they’ll need one too. This is precisely the rationale
in Beijing where
China’s car industry “is quietly pressing… for government
help as it copes with a jarring slowdown,” the
NYT writes.
European automakers are fishing for state aid too, taking
advantage of the EU’s dithering on whether such help would
constitutes a breach of competition rules, according to the
WSJ.
Meanwhile, the business prospects for the leading carmakers
worsens by the day. Ford’s marketing chief yesterday described
November auto sales as “just terrible.” And, it emerged
yesterday, the resale value of American cars — as measured by
the Kelley Blue Book people — continues to
lag behind European and Asian car models, not a good sign
for the Big 3.
If
Detroit loses its fight for bailout bucks, it won’t be alone.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson told the House Financial
Services Committee on Tuesday that
neither Detroit nor homeowners facing foreclosure deserve access
to the dwindling $700 billion bailout reserve. “The primary
purpose of the bill was to protect our financial system from
collapse,” Paulson lectured House Democrats urging homeowner
relief. “The rescue package was not intended to be an economic
stimulus or an economic recovery package.” The fault
lines are widening indeed between Paulson and House Democrats,
who accused the Treasury Secretary of misleading them on the
original intent of the aid and accusing him of not knowing what
to do next, The Washington Post reports. “There’s a lack of
confidence, it seems to me, both in this body and in the general
population,” Rep. Paul E. Kanjorski (D-Pa.) lashed out at
Paulson during the hearing. “Do we have a plan? Where are we
going?” Paulson seemed cool under fire though, repeatedly
stating the package is for stabilizing the financial system, not
as “a panacea for all our economic difficulties.”
“You
cannot be serious!” To paraphrase, that’s New York State
Attorney General Andrew M. Cuomo’s reaction to suggestions that
A.I.G. – recent beneficiary of $150 billion in rescue loans -
might hand out executive bonuses this year. It “seems hard
to believe that A.I.G. could pay significant bonuses or give
raises to its executives after the company has quite literally
been bailed out by the American taxpayer,” Cuomo wrote to CEO
Edward M. Libby, the NYT’s
Dealbook reports. Cuomo also pointed out that Goldman Sachs, UBS
and Barclays have all waived bonuses for this year.
Shares in
Hewlett-Packard soared 14% yesterday,
Business Week
reports, as the granddaddy of Silicon Valley beat the street and
surprised analysts by reporting an upbeat outlook for 2009.
While tech giants such as Cisco, Sun Microsystems and Intel all
languish, HP delivered a fourth quarter profit of $1.03 a share,
benefiting from what CEO Mark Hurd described as, “its global
reach, diverse customer base, broad portfolio, and numerous cost
initiatives”. Even more surprising news from Silicon Valley
comes from the WSJ,
which reports
Google and Proctor & Gamble have started swapping employees
in a an “odd couple” pact to leverage the next generation of
online advertising. P&G needs to learn more about online
consumer habits as its market moves increasing to the Net while
Google “craves a bigger slice of P&G’s $8.7 billion annual ad
pie as its own revenue growth slows.”
Lastly, if you get home early for Christmas this year you
may need to thank Pres. Bush. The White House on Tuesday
gave the green light for
commercial airlines to use military air space across the
country during the holiday season to ease mid-air
congestion, the NYT
writes. The move may not be necessary. The Air Transport
Association is predicting for the upcoming Thanksgiving
weekend that the number of air passengers will be down 10
percent on last year.
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Headlines
Bailing Out Detroit
• ”It’s Impossible to Lose All 16 Games in an NFL
Season”–headline,
Detroit Free Press, Nov. 17
• ”The ‘Liberal Lion’ Is Back”–headline,
CQ.com, Nov. 17
It’s Titled ‘A Modest Proposal’
“Government Report Shows More US Children Wanted for Food in
2007 Than Any Time Since 1998″–headline, Associated Press,
Nov. 17
‘I Should’ve Had the Moo Shu Pork!’
“Man Who Had Ricin in Las Vegas Motel Gets 3½ Years in Federal
Prison, $7,500 Fine”–headline, Associated Press, Nov. 17
That Would Be a Strange Place to Have a Contest Anyway
“Wis. Woman Pleads No Contest in Toilet Corpse Case”–headline,
Associated Press, Nov. 17
‘Where’s the Rest of Me?’
“Half Way Man Injured on Mo. 32″–headline, Bolivar (Mo.)
Herald-Free Press, Nov. 17
Turns Out They’re Lighter Than Water
“State Officials Solve Mystery of Floating Beets”–headline,
Associated Press, Nov. 17
Breaking News From Stardate 4202.9
“ ’Doomsday Machine’ Repairs to Cost $21 Million”–headline,
FoxNews.com, Nov. 17
News You Can Use
• ”Slick Roads Lead to Numerous Accidents”–headline,
Rochester (N.Y.) Democrat and Chronicle, Nov. 18
• ”SF: Pit in Sidewalk Makes Walking Risky”–headline,
San Francisco Chronicle, Nov. 18
• ”Bizarre: Bake Your Own ‘Fetus Cookies’ ”–headline,
WorldNetDaily.com, Nov. 17
Bottom Stories of the Day
• ”From Justice Stevens, No Exit Signs”–headline,
Washington Post, Nov. 18
• ”Stevens Happy Expulsion Vote on Ice”–headline,
Roll Call, Nov. 18
• ”Quebec Election: Charest, Dumont Spar Over Who’s Nicer to
Infertile Women”–headline,
National Post, Nov. 17
• ”Hagel, Unrestrained, Lashes Into Bush, Rush and the
GOP”–headline,
Puffington Host, Nov. 18
New
Republic,
Dec. 3
With
the selection of Rahm Emanuel as Obama’s chief of staff, Noam
Scheiber
wonders whether Obama is truly committed to his mantra of
“No drama.” Scheiber also ponders what Washington, where
“rumor-mongering and backbiting are semi-official sports,” will
do to the morale of Obama’s faithful campaign workers, when
forced to mix with “every ambitious law-school grad along the
Amtrak corridor.” …
An
article on Detroit’s ailing auto industry imagines what
would happen if the big three—GM, Ford, and Chrysler—were
allowed to fail. At least 3 million people would immediately
lose their jobs, but from there the crisis would “reach into
every community with a parts supplier or factory—and, to a
lesser extent, into every town and city with a dealership. In
short, virtually every community in the country would be
touched.”
New York, Nov. 24
As
the infamous Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital—”the nuthouse, the
punch line, the must-avoid vacation spot”—enters redevelopment
as a hotel and conference center, a story
reminisces about the prominent place the “Chelsea Hotel of
the mad” has enjoyed in popular culture over the last 78 years.
Norman Mailer was sent there in 1960 after he stabbed his wife
with a penknife. Mark David Chapman, who shot John Lennon, paid
a visit in 1980. …
The gulf emirate of Dubai has
emerged as a sandy safe haven for those fleeing the
financial meltdown in the United States. The expatriate
community seems to consist largely of blond Texans like
24-year-old Brooke Butler, who found a sales job there a month
after starting her search. However, Butler and her peers do not
seem to be digging in for the long term. “People don’t stay in
Dubai for long. Everyone is passing through. But for now they
are here, waiting out the storm.”
The New Yorker, Nov. 24
The magazine’s food issue features Calvin Trillin’s piece on
the meat-seeking
quest he took to Snow’s Barbeque, which
Texas Monthly
just dubbed the best barbecue in the Lone Star state. The
restaurant’s hours—it’s only open on Saturdays starting at 8
a.m.—required the author to make the early-morning trek to
partake in pounds of smoked brisket, sausage, and pork.
… To prepare Malia
and Sasha for life in the White House, an article offers
anecdotes from former first kids on domestic life at
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. “The generations of girls who have
inhabited the White House compose a sort of underground
society, initiating one another into the place’s
charms—’Have a helluva good time,’ Alice Roosevelt Longworth
wrote to Susan Ford.” One is left to wonder what sort of
advice the Bush twins will give the Obama sisters.
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